History Isn’t Always Written in Words
“You are made of stars and wilderness and all the chaos that shaped the world…”
— Nikita Gill
I have yoga on Monday and Thursday mornings, and my instructor is perfect. She’s kind, beautiful, patient, and it’s nearly impossible for me to pick a favorite part of our sessions because she makes every minute of them amazing. In the beginning for example when we start doing deep stretches and I feel my body wake up with every cue she gives. Or the meditative moments where her voice is so soothing that I get lost until she calls me back. Then there’s the poses where my legs shake, or my body wobbles, and the encouragement I get is enough to make me smile through it. Or there’s doing something we did a few weeks ago and realizing ‘oh, I’ve improved.’ And the list goes on, but I think one of my top 3 is always going to be when she reads a poem to me at the end.
They’re usually reflective of either the season, or something we’re doing in our practice that day, but today it was a random one, and the last line gave me goosebumps:
“…It is there all day, as an animal is there under the table. As the stars are there even in full sun.”
This was supposed to be a blog entry about my scars, but that last line made me want to pivot. Not to a completely different topic, but to come at it from a different vantage point.
When I was 18 I wrote a poem about not liking small talk. I wanted vulnerability, authenticity, and to discuss all the little things that make you, you. In essence the poem came down to “Fuck talking about the weather, do you feel as empty as I do?” And today I realized we kind of all have our “stars” being covered up by “sunlight.” They’re not always depressing but they are always meaningful. They are always heavy enough to stay with us for the rest of our lives, shaping who we are, even if they’re not apparent at the outset. The same way stars form when gravity pulls everything inward and the weight becomes too much to hold without becoming something new, adding another blip to the sky…
Our stars can be our strained relationship with our parents, or nonexistent one with our siblings. They can be not keeping alcohol in the house because you saw what that did to your dad..or what your dad did to your mom. They can be hating yourself for years because you just can’t seem to lose the weight. As well as being in the gym every day disappointed you still can’t gain the muscle. They can be that woman you loved a lifetime ago who was the right person at the wrong time. Or in my case they can be memories of sweating through long sleeves in the summer when you were 13, because short sleeves meant questions and having to blame a nonexistent cat for the cuts on your arm.
But our stars can also be wonderful! They can be the joy we have after fulfilling a lifelong goal. Or finding someone who we’re 100% sure is our soulmate and never letting them go. A breakthrough in therapy. A pet you love so much you wonder how you ever lived without them. Or how proud of yourself you feel after you look in the mirror one day and finally like what you see looking back at you. They can be the degree you worked your butt off for, first in your family to have one. Or they can be having fun with your hobby one day, and realizing you from a decade ago would be in awe at how far you’ve come.
It’s sad because every person you meet has an entire constellation within them. A life with the highest highs and the lowest lows but you’ll never be able to see them unless you stick around till dusk. Unless you’re willing to be there for the years it takes for their sun to go down so you can learn about and discover every little star that was hiding in their daylight. Every little thing that has ever happened that has made them who they are.
(It’s funny because when I started writing this I learned that it’s not just the sun being out that keeps us from seeing stars during the daytime. Is anything ever that simple? However, I still really like the idea of the metaphor so I’m gonna leave this, albeit with a disclaimer, that the science is a little more nuanced…)
Until next time friend xx